my blag

tomorrow is the big day where my friends and i load up a truck with my Heavy Stuff and move it from my Old Apartment to my New Apartment.

i am simultaneously excited and terrified. love my new place. LOVE IT. so glad to be 100% moved in as of next week. the thing is, i hate when other people touch my stuff. i absolutely hate it. i love to let people borrow things, like clothes or books or movies- that’s fine. that’s nice! that’s sharing.

but when people have to clean my stuff, or transport it, or even just hold it for awhile, it makes me really nervous. this probably comes from me always being a very, VERY messy person, and having a lot of anxiety about it. i’ve just never been a person who keeps things neat and orderly. i live in My Mess, and that’s just the way it is-

and then it gives me tiny panic attacks to watch people view and interact with My Mess. 

(note: i think there’s a large possibility i’ll end up with a hoarding problem. an extreme hoarding problem.)

to some level, i’ve grown to accept The Mess. and i’ve learned what is acceptable as “mess” and what isn’t. i bought a small painting on etsy once for about 10 dollars, and when it came in the mail, i opened it, admired it, and then set it on the floor leaning up against the wall i thought i’d put it eventually. a friend came over that evening and saw it on the floor and was HORRIFIED. “nancy, that’s someone’s ART. somebody poured their heart into it, and it’s sitting on your floor.” well, she was completely right, and i was mortified. that’s unacceptable mess. 

i’m learning to keep My Mess from becoming unacceptable. i haven’t done a very good job of it in the last two places i’ve lived, and i guess a big part of me wanting to live alone was not having the constant paranoia of My Mess becoming out of hand and bothering a roommate, or embarrassing me. that being said, i don’t want my new place to become a dumping ground for more stuff. i want it to not just be livable, but be enjoyable. i’d like to look forward to being in my home, in My Mess…

[Alvy (the reason My Mess is covered in white hair) just made me go put some mellow mutt in green ball so he could entertain himself while i was blogging and cleaning]

…and not panicking if someone decides to drop by the house, or if i invite someone over. 

just something i’m thinking about before the big move tomorrow. also i’m not done packing. 

i should get on that.

I moved out of my apartment in Lakeview and began living in a place on Esplanade last week. I love it. It’s small, crumbling and a bit drafty, but it has a lot of character, the landlords are sweet, sweet people, and the rent is ridiculously cheap (and it includes cable and wifi- which is a concept so foreign to me, you have no idea). All of my walls are blue and green and brown and my shower is yellow tile and my balcony is covered with christmas lights and overlooks a collapsing building where some people are squatting and arguing at all hours of the night and day about relationship drama. It’s a really ridiculous place, that makes me feel very welcome and like I can be myself. 

Due to a miscommunication with Entergy (“miscommunication” is a euphemism in this scenario), I’ve been without electricity for three days now. My apartment stays very warm, but it also gets very, VERY dark. Last night, I lit around 15 candles and bumped around looking for pajamas and socks. I’ve gone to boil water for tea many times because it just doesn’t occur to me that a stove needs electricity. Showering in the dark is way too scary. I smell. Alvy doesn’t really seem to notice a difference- in my smell or the amount of light in our apartment.

With the New Orleans Fringe Festival over, I’m really not sure where I go next for an artistic project. I’m having a very large ongoing argument with myself about what I want to do. Do I want to act? I think I’d like to have more control over the product I’m creating- so do I want to start a collaborative process with some other artists and create An Experience of a Show? If so, Where Do I Get Off? What Do I Know Better Than Other People? (Tumblr is showing me an option to Let People Answer my questions about my life and my career trajectory. That seems like a wonderful and terrifying idea.)

Those are pretty vague, large generalizations of what I’m spending December thinking about. November was a ROUGH month not just for me, but for most of the people I know. It has left a heavy, gross residue on my heart, as ridiculous as that sounds. I made a lot of really hard choices last month, and the month before, and I know they’ll be for the best in the end (ha, in the end) BUT the short-term feelings are sore and uncomfortable. 

The family that moved into the other half of the house I occupied in Lakeview just lost everything they owned in a fire. I let them take a lot of my furniture and things I wouldn’t need in the new place. I know that no matter what I’m saying or thinking this month, I’ve never experienced anything remotely close to that sort of event- my absolute worst moments cannot scratch the surface of what some people go through in their lives- and some people on a daily basis. This doesn’t mean my feelings are unjustified, or I should feel guilty (problems I’ve always faced when dealing with my depression)- it just means that I should remember that any opportunity to be thankful, gracious, giving or happy should be seized. 

I’m lucky to have the luxury to take the time to figure out what I’m doing with my life. And I’m lucky to have a roof over my head, and my things to keep me warm, when Entergy leaves me in the dark. And I’m lucky to have good friends to be there for me when months like this November are kicking my ass. 

I bought a really cool scarf at the GAP the other day. Is it GAP or Gap? 

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It’s Gap. It was founded in the 1960’s and there are now over 3400 stores worldwide. Did you know about this?

“On October 6, 2010, Gap debuted a new logo in an attempt to create a more contemporary presence in the retail market. The new logo was made with Helvetica typeface and did away with the blue box that had become iconic with the brand. There was a public outcry against the new logo, especially in the graphic design community. The company returned to its previous “blue box” logo on October 12, only a week after the new logo’s debut.

That’s from wikipedia. I think I trust it, although “public outcry” to me means the iconic mob in Frankenstein, not people talking about the Gap logo. Here’s the scarf:

Pretty cool, right?

Love,

Nancy